


Terminal

by ReginaNocis



Series: Obscure Love [27]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Not A Happy Ending, You Have Been Warned, you will cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 12:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13387818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReginaNocis/pseuds/ReginaNocis
Summary: Nobody ever would have guessed the cause of Tony's impending death, not even Tony himself.





	Terminal

He stared down at the report in his hands, willing the words to change, wishing he was seeing this wrong. He knew the report was right, that his eyes were fine, but... given the circumstances, he was pretty sure he was allowed to wish for a miracle.

"Cancer," he echoed, glancing up at Bruce. Bruce nodded, taking the report back. 

"I ran the tests three times, Tony. I'm sorry," he said, managing to look both grim and worried. 

"Alright. Okay, how long do I have?" Tony asked. He was already pushing the panic and anger to the back of his mind, knowing that there was nothing he could do. If he was going to die, and it was seeming very likely that he would be dying shortly, he'd do it in his own way. He wouldn't go down without a fight, and he sure as hell wasn't going to sit back and let the illness rule him. He was going to live what little life he had left as he always did, until he absolutely had no other choice.

"A year at most. But you have to actually take care of yourself. Eat normal meals, and at least try to sleep every night. No more three-day science binges, or you'll last weeks at most," Bruce told him seriously, and he nodded. 

"I don't want to tell the others yet, Bruce. There's no point in having them treat me like an invalid for a whole year, not when I'm still perfectly strong and reasonably healthy, considering. I'll tell them when I absolutely can't hide it anymore, not a moment sooner," Tony replied, already planning how he could hide it. 

He had a whole year, give or take a month. There was every chance somebody could come up with a cure in that time. Hell, if anyone could do it, it would be Bruce. Tony knew he'd at least try, and that's all he could ask of  _anyone_  let alone his best friend. But judging by the look on Bruce's face, there wasn't going to be much of a chance of a miracle cure. Still, he was not going to let himself worry about this. Not yet.

"I understand. I won't say anything, you know I won't, but... Tony, they're your friends too. They would want to know this," Bruce said softly. Tony looked down, not wanting to see the pity in Bruce's eyes. He knew if he told the team, pity was  _all_ he'd be seeing. He couldn't handle that.

"I know. But I'm not ready for other people to know this yet. Please, just... I know what I'm doing," he answered, waving his hand in dismissal. He pressed the button for the elevator to his penthouse, not wanting to talk to JARVIS, or to anyone. He had to wrap his mind around this new twist, make plans, and maybe have a few drinks. Maybe his last few drinks for a while.

~~

Tony managed to keep it a secret for a full month, able to work normally and interact like he always did without any signs of illness. The first symptoms hit overnight, with no warnings at all. He woke up with a splitting hangover that had him seriously wondering if he'd forgotten about drinking his entire liquor cabinet the night before. The nausea followed very quickly, and he spent a good portion of his morning in his private bathroom, listening to whatever soothing music JARVIS had found for him. Bruce came to check on him twice, taking his vitals and a blood sample to run more tests. He still could have passed it off as a hangover if it had passed quickly, but it lasted all day. Tony was weak and nauseous to the point that he didn't leave his room at all. Bruce didn't give him away, but they all knew that something was up. 

When he woke up the next morning, the headache was there but the nausea was not. He spent most of that day in his lab, pretending to work. Steve was the first to come check on him, Bucky shadowing him cautiously. Tony hadn't seen much of the former Winter Soldier since he'd moved in, but he didn't have anything against him. Bucky avoided everyone, he assumed. 

"Tony, it's good to see you up again. Were you sick yesterday?" Steve asked, leaning against an almost-empty table. 

"Twenty-four hour bug. Nothing to worry about," Tony replied with practiced ease. He'd be making that excuse, or similar ones, for a few months, he was sure. "Did you come down just to check on me?"

"We all have noticed that something's been up," Bucky answered for Steve. "You've been taking care of yourself more, and spending more time with the team. We're worried."

"Didn't realize any of you cared," he stated, purposefully nonchalant. He didn't miss the look Bucky and Steve shared, but he pretended to. "This is kind of private. Mind coming back later?" There was another silent conversation between the soldiers before Steve turned and left Bucky behind. "You too, Barnes."

"I realize you barely know me. That's my own fault. I've spent time with everyone but you. Thought I'd explain myself," Bucky replied quietly. "I know you're not really working. JARVIS told us on our way down."

Tony cursed his AI silently, wishing he'd thought to ask him to keep his information to himself when nosy team members asked. He wasn't sure if JARVIS would keep his illness to himself, and he'd have to rectify that. "Fine. You've got my attention."

"I knew your father, same as Steve. 'Cept Howard and I were closer than the two of them. It's been really hard to adjust, knowing that I probably... he was my best friend, besides Steve. I see him in you, but at the same time, I can see that you're an entirely different person. It's been confusing and frustrating, so I've avoided you. But I notice things that the others don't. Steve was always my priority, growing up and in the war. Before he became the man you know now, he was tiny, and always ill. See, he hid it well when he needed to, but Steve didn't have a healthy day in his life until that serum. So I know the signs. I know it wasn't just a twenty-four hour bug," Bucky told him. This time, Tony cursed out loud.

"Nobody was meant to know yet. Let me guess, you told Captain Icicle?" he snapped, glaring at Bucky. Bucky just calmly shook his head. "But you're going to."

"It's not my place to tell anyone but you. I know I'm probably not your first choice of someone to know, but I think maybe I can help you. At the very least, I can help you stay on your feet longer and hide it from the others. I learned all of Steve's tricks, and I can guarantee that he's forgotten them," Bucky replied. Tony paused, considering.

Help might be nice. He had Bruce passing him medication and checking his vitals every day. Rhodey and Pepper both knew because he wasn't comfortable with keeping secrets from them, and they'd both cried. Pepper checked in with him every day, even stopping by to visit occasionally. She'd been distant since she'd broken up with him, but she was still one of his closest friends. Her presence always made his day a little bit better, so he was always happy to see her. Even if she usually left in tears.

"Fine. I... appreciate it. I don't need you to help me with the health part, because Bruce has it covered. But help in hiding it from the team might be nice. I have a feeling it's going to get hard sooner rather than later. I've been working on additions to the suits so I can keep fighting with you, but I'm going to have to start avoiding them in the tower soon. I'm having a hard time staying on my feet right now, and I've only been down here for a few hours. It's already taking it's toll, though Bruce says I've got almost a year left. Almost a year to live and make more of a difference than I already have," he answered quietly. 

"Every single doctor that Steve and I went to said the same thing. He'd be lucky to make it a year. And do you know what I told him every time?" Bucky asked. Tony shook his head. "Your fate is your own. Sure, they can say however long they like. In the end, it's about how stubborn you are, and how much you want to hold on. Nothing can make you leave this world before you're ready. I've seen it myself."

"It would take a miracle to let me live through this," Tony protested. 

"I didn't say you'd survive the disease. I said you'd live until you decide to die. When you do go, you'll be ready," Bucky replied easily. 

"I'm not sure I believe it, but it's nice to hear. I'd already decided that I'd go on my own terms," he stated, turning back to his project.

"I think you've done enough for today, Stark," Bucky said gently. "Pushing yourself like this is only going to make you weaken faster."

"I... yes, you're right. What do you suggest?" Tony asked, turning back to him with a frown. A month ago, he would have thrown a fit and argued until Bucky had given up and stormed out. Now, he was too tired to argue or put up any kind of fight.

"I know better than to suggest bed. Maybe a movie? You can sit and have a little snack, maybe spend some time with the others in a way that won't make them question your health," Bucky suggested. Tony's lips twitched into a reluctant smile.

"Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to take you up on your offer."

~~

Two more months passed, Tony managing to keep his strength for the most part, and keeping his health a secret from everyone but the ones who had already known. Natasha was the second to notice, and it was a mistake on Tony's part that he couldn't make himself regret. 

He'd thought he was alone in the kitchen, making his coffee silently and holding the counter for support when he needed it. He felt the wave of dizziness, but chose to ignore it in favor of finishing and moving to the couch. One second he was reaching for the mug he'd set aside, and the next he was on the floor, his head on Natasha's knees as she cursed in Russian. 

"What happened?" he gasped, clenching his fists at the sudden wave of nausea. It wasn't bad enough to make him run for a bathroom, but it came close. She glared at him, clearly not calm enough for English and knowing that Tony understood the bare minimum of Russian. "I'm guessing you want to ask me the same." A brief nod was his answer, and he sighed. He pushed himself up to sit on his own, facing her. "I haven't been feeling my best for a few days. I chose to ignore it in favor of finishing my project."

"The truth, Stark," she gritted out, her accent still bleeding through. Tony rubbed his forehead, wishing the ground would swallow him.

"Fine. But if you tell the others, I swear on my grave that I will throw you out on the streets and never speak to you again," he threatened. Her glare didn't fade any, but she nodded again in agreement. "I'm dying. It's not palladium poisoning this time, and there's no cure. Cancer, can you believe it?" His voice was bitter, even to his own ears. 

"Why would you not tell us," Natasha demanded, her face considerably paler. "We could have been helping!"

"There isn't anything anyone can do to help me. I've got about six months left, and I'm using them the best way that I can. I don't want anything to change. I don't want anyone else to know yet, Natasha. You can't tell them. The last thing I want or need is pity. I get enough of it from Bruce and Pepper," he protested. She rolled her eyes.

"The day I pity you will be the day Hell freezes over. I'd rather know when I may be spending my last minutes with you, however, so I can say what needs to be said. You should give us that, at least," she told him, her glare completely gone.

"I'm  _going_ to tell them. I'm just not ready yet," Tony said quietly, looking down. She pulled his chin back up gently.

"We care for you. You have a place among us, as a friend, and as family. You gave me a home when I had none. You continually make things to ensure my safety, even when you know I can take care of myself. I know that you can take care of yourself, as you have done a good job so far. But you can't expect me to not want to pay back your kindness somehow. I won't tell the others, but you should. And I won't pity you, Tony. I never have, and I never will. But I can do things to make this easier for you, for all of us. And you  _will_ allow it," she told him forcefully. 

"Now how can I argue with that," Tony said, fighting another smile. "I wouldn't have expected much less from you, although I can't say I realized you felt that much for me."

"Don't take it as something it's not, Stark," she snapped, no heat in her words. He laughed, probably for the first time since his diagnosis.

~~

Bucky spent more time around Tony than anyone else now, and everybody noticed at different times. Steve noticed first, but he didn't say anything. He'd known why Bucky had been avoiding him to begin with, and he assumed he was just trying to make up for it now. Natasha knew the truth, but she did keep it to herself like she'd promised. Another month passed before Tony's fleeting strength left him completely.

It was mechanical rats this time, terrorizing lower Manhattan. The battle was almost done, with Thor destroying the majority with electricity, and Tony's repulsors taking out the stragglers. Unfortunately, the wave of dizziness hit him as he was firing, and his suit couldn't take the distraction. He collapsed, the suit going into a sort of lock-down to protect him. Tony lost consciousness, and woke to his team trying to pry the suit off of him. Bucky's frantic face was the first one he saw, and he almost smiled when a metal hand closed over his own metal-covered hand. Natasha was hovering, torn between anger that he'd go into battle when he was so weak, and worry that he was on the brink of death. The others were clearly confused, having seen no cause for Tony's collapse. 

"Well damn," he said quietly. "I thought I'd have more time than this."

"I warned you," Bruce stated calmly, pulling a spare shirt on as he walked up. "I told you that you had to take better care of yourself now. I should have specified no fighting, but I thought that was a given. Clearly I need to be more specific."

"I made adjustments to the suit! I thought it would be okay. I didn't take into account that it might happen in the middle of a fight like that," Tony snapped, sitting up and waving the others back. "I've been fine so far. How was I supposed to know that would happen?"

"You could listen for once. I told you last week that this could happen soon. Can you stand?" Bruce asked, moving to check his pulse. 

"Not on my own," Tony admitted grudgingly. "And you said I'd feel a little weaker than usual, not collapsing and unable to stand on my own."

"Like I said, I apparently have to be more specific where you're concerned," Bruce said with a small smile. He glanced over at Bucky and gave him a small nod. Tony didn't have time to protest before he was pulled up into Bucky's arms in a bridal hold. "We need to get him back to the tower. I can run some tests, and he can  _rest_ , like he was supposed to be doing all along."

"What's going on?" Steve demanded. Tony sighed, rubbing his face. 

"Looks like I don't have a choice anymore. Come on, I'll explain everything back at the tower," he said softly, nodding to Bucky to start moving. 

Nobody gave him a chance to escape when they got back, not that he could have gotten far on his own. They all followed Tony and Bruce down to the lab, watching as Bruce checked vitals and took even more blood. It was silent, until Tony couldn't take it anymore.

"You'd think someone was dying!" he said without thinking, then flinched at his own words. "Damn, didn't think that one through. Sorry."

"You're dying?" Clint asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"Yeah. I've got a few months left, supposedly. Bucky thinks I'll last until I don't want to anymore, or something like that," Tony replied.

"I said you can make it for as long as you feel you need to. When you go, it will be because you're ready, because you've done everything you needed to do," Bucky cut in, frowning. "I'm not giving you false hope."

"I never said you were. I'm resigned, and I know it's coming. I've been making the most of it, for as long as I could. I'm not done just yet, so don't you dare start worrying now," Tony frowned, looking at each of the individually. He was happy to see that there wasn't an ounce of pity in any of their eyes. Steve looked shocked, like he couldn't believe this was really happening. Clint's face was blank, but he could see the pain in the archer's eyes. Thor was frowning, but he looked thoughtful. Natasha had the same look of anger she'd had the night she'd found out for herself. And Bucky... he looked just as resigned as Tony felt. 

"Look, nice as it is that you all know now, I need some sleep. Bruce was right, I'm exhausted like you wouldn't believe. It's looking like Iron Man is officially done, but Tony Stark isn't ready to go just yet. I'm not done with life just yet. I'm not going to die if you all leave for a couple hours. I'm going up to my room, and I'm going to sleep. JARVIS will alert all of you if anything goes wrong at all, I promise. He's been on constant watch, and I told him that when you all know, he's to keep you updated if you ask. Ask Natasha and Bucky, it's true," Tony said quietly, not meeting anyone's eyes. He heard more than saw everyone leave. Everyone but Bucky, of course.

"I know you weren't ready to tell them. You're being extremely brave about all of this," he said quietly. Tony snorted, amused.

"What else could I be? There's no point in panicking, or getting angry. I've got a limited amount of time. I'd rather spend it being happy than wallowing in what could have been," he replied, shrugging. 

"What do you mean, what could have been?" Bucky asked hesitantly. 

"Well I never exactly settled down, found the love of my life. I never even tried after Pepper. I kind of wish I would have, instead of wasting every opportunity," Tony admitted. 

"You had someone in mind?" he asked, tilting his head. Tony noted that he'd gotten closer, and ignored the beeping that signaled his heart-rate speeding up. Bucky's lips twitched at the sound, but he didn't say anything about it either. 

"Sure. Doesn't everyone?" Tony asked, voice soft.

"Was it someone I know?" Bucky asked, closer still. 

"I'd imagine you knew him very well," Tony relented, not moving.

"And why didn't you make a move?" Bucky asked, pausing in front of Tony's face.

"He never really paid me much attention, until recently. I didn't want to make assumptions and push him away," Tony whispered, eyes flicking down to Bucky's lips. That seemed to be the last hint Bucky needed, as he leaned forward and sealed their lips together. It was a few seconds before Tony's actions caught up to him and he pulled away. "Bucky... we shouldn't be doing this. I don't have much time left, and I don't want to hurt you when I go."

"Too late for that, Tony. Don't you be worrying about me. I'm a grown man, and I can make my own decisions. I decide for myself, and I want you," Bucky replied, frowning. "If you don't want me, say so now and I'll back off. But if you're only protesting because you think you have to, then don't."

Tony didn't say anything, choosing to let his actions speak for him as he pulled Bucky into another kiss.

~~

After his first major collapse, things progressed quickly. Tony couldn't spend long on his feet without feeling faint, and he couldn't keep much down when he ate. Bruce put him on a mostly liquid diet and forced him into bed rest, where Bucky spent most of his time watching movies with him and keeping him occupied. The others spent as much time with him as they could, each of them taking the time to see him alone to say things very similar to what Natasha had said when she first found out. 

Clint came in first, as Tony had guessed he would. The assassins were more similar than they'd care to admit, and he knew they'd be thinking along the same lines.  _Say it before it's too late to say._ "Tony, I just... there's something I need to say. I was raised in the circus, grew up a criminal and thought of myself as a bad person until very recently. After Loki, I think you were the only one who didn't treat me any different. Even Tasha walked on eggshells around me. I think you did the same thing for Bruce from the beginning actually. You guys have taken me in, and I'd never had friends before let alone a family that might actually care for me. You made me arrows, gave me a home. I know Tasha's said most of this already, because she's said similar things to me in extreme situations that we might not make it out of. But I have to say it, too. I'm going to miss you, Stark. You're one of the first people to ever actually care for me, one of the first people I've actually trusted. I just wanted you to know that."

And if Clint's confession made him cry, nobody would ever know. Steve's confession wasn't as sad, but was even less expected. He showed up three days after Clint, carrying something badly wrapped that he sat down on Tony's bedside table. "I know you know this, but I was pretty close to your father. Not as close as Bucky, but we were friends. I knew Howard Stark, but I didn't  _know_ him. Not the way I know you. I spent a long time wondering if you were making it sound worse than it was, your childhood. I know better now. I think I always did, deep down. You are not your father, Tony. I don't think anyone says it enough. Even in this, in your weakest time, you're twice the man he was. You're probably the strongest man I know." 

The package turned out to be a sketch of the team, with Tony and Steve standing in front. They were shaking hands and smiling, as everyone looked on in obvious contentment. They were becoming a family. Tony made sure Bucky got it framed and onto his wall before the day ended. 

Thor's was the most shocking of all, though. He was the last, because Bruce had already said everything he'd need to say from the beginning, and Bucky was determined to not say goodbye unless there was no other choice. He was still holding out for a miracle, and that's why Tony was glad he wasn't there for Thor's talk.

"Man of Iron, it pains me to see you ill as this. I have spoken at length with my father, and he has agreed that your sacrifices have been noble. We would offer you an alternative to dying, though I fear it would be too high a cost. There is a way, from my home land, to make one immortal. A golden apple that heals all wounds and stops the aging process. This ability is natural among my people, but we do sometimes find our mates among mortals. In those instances, we offer the apples to our loved ones, and a home in Asgard for all their days. I would offer the same to you, with the blessing of my father and my people," he told Tony, face completely serious. 

"If I took this... if I chose to become immortal, would I get to choose a mortal of my own to give this gift to?" Tony asked, hardly daring to hope. Thor's eyes grew pained as he shook his head.

"I am sorry, Man of Iron. My father does not feel that the Soldier Barnes is a worthy candidate for such a gift at this time. I could only offer this to you, with the hopes that you would find another someday. You could, of course, choose to stay here for as long as you wish before returning to Asgard, as I do," he replied. Tony was already shaking his head.

"Leaving that way would be worse than dying. I can't do that to him, and I can't do that to myself. I appreciate the offer more than I can even say, but I can't take this apple. It wouldn't be right for me," he said softly, tears in his eyes. Thor nodded, as though he'd known that all along. Knowing Thor, he probably had. 

~~

The months passed slowly, with Tony growing weaker by the day. He spent all of his time with Bucky, talking about things he'd never said out loud before, making sure his bots would be cared for when he was gone, signing the company over to Pepper completely... basically tying up every loose end. And Bucky had been right. Bruce was surprised every day that Tony was still going, still functioning through the pain and weakness. Tony wasn't done. And then, all at once, he was. 

He was on the brink of consciousness, thinking over everything that had happened in the year since he'd been diagnosed. Bucky was beside him, as always, holding his hand in silence as he watched whatever movie he'd chosen that day. Tony had stopped trying to focus on them nearly a week ago. This time, when he felt the tug on his consciousness, he knew he wouldn't be waking up again. There was nothing left for him to do. He was finally happy with his life, had finally taken care of everything and found what he'd always wanted. He was ready to let go.

"Bucky," he gasped out, tightening his hold on the other's hand as much as he could. His strength was giving out completely, and he could barely keep his eyes open. "It's time."

"No," Bucky whispered, immediately shutting off the movie with a flick of his wrist and turning to Tony. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I'm finally happy. I've never been this happy before. There's...  I wrote a letter. I wrote it last month, when I started getting really bad. Read it, when I'm gone," Tony said hoarsely. Bucky nodded. "Buck... love you."

"I love you too," Bucky whispered, kissing his forehead. 

With the last of his strength, he smiled, letting his eyes slip closed. And as the grip of Bucky's hand faded from his awareness, all he could think was that he was happy. And he'd be seeing them all soon anyways. He'd be watching over them until they joined him, hopefully many years in the future.

~~

_Bucky,_

_I can't tell you how much the last few months have meant to me. I never could have imagined how much my life would turn around, even when I got diagnosed. I've always been kind of different, I know. And let's face it, I'm not the most reliable at the best of times. I honestly don't know what you see in me. I guess you only got to know me after I started being more responsible, though. I used to lock myself in the lab for days, not eating or sleeping until I finished whatever project I was working on. Hell, before the Avengers, I was a weapons expert. The Iron Man suit was the last weapon I ever built, and hopefully the last thing Stark Industries will ever do for the government. Besides clean energy, of course._

_You never met him, but I think you would have liked Rhodey. He's military, too. Maybe you'll meet him after I'm gone. He'll probably come stay here for a while, take a leave of absence to mourn. Thing is, I don't want anyone to mourn me. I want to be remembered, but with good memories. I don't want people being sad that I'm gone. Because I know we'll all see each other again someday. And if you think for one second that I'm gone just because you can't see me anymore, then you're a lot more of an idiot than I'd originally thought. (Especially since I was pretty sure you weren't an idiot to begin with.)_

_I'm not a sap. You know that. But I feel that it needs to be said one more time, and I'm not sure I'll be able to say it on my deathbed, or even that you'll be there when I pass. So I'm going to write it down for you, to keep forever and look at when you need to remember. I know you like to have physical evidence of your memories. I know you. So here it is:_

_I love you. I love you so much more than I've ever loved anything else. I wouldn't change a single minute of the time we spent together, because it's what kept me going. I think- no, I know- I would have married you. We would have had a wonderful life together, maybe even adopted kids eventually. I'm sorry that I never got to see that. But I do love you, and I want you to know that. Dying won't change a thing._

_So, until I see you again, be safe. Be happy. Keep living, and make sure the others do, too._

_I love you._

_Tony_


End file.
